Choices
Why have You forsaken me? I had made up my mind to not write again; I was fed up with it all. I was and am mad at God, as far as I was concerned He could find another sucker to sing His praises. I’ve written about Mabel my hedgehog before. I’m not usually so deeply involved with a pet, but Mabel wasn’t like any other pet. Every other pet I’ve had has had its faults, a mean streak that could be brought out when least expected; Mabel had none, she was the most gentle creature I’ve ever seen. Monday afternoon she died in my hands. I don’t believe animals are capable of love, I’ve not found any basis for it biblically and I think that God bestowed that ‘gift’ on us alone. But everybody has their opinion, if anyone can show me biblically where animals are capable of love I’ll rethink my position on it. Mabel was only a year old, far to short of a life for one so gentle. We paid a lot of money for her, including the trip down, the stay on the motel, and other expenses she cost me well over $200 but the money was the farthest thing from my mind. I knew she was dying but even then I was willing to take her to a vet who said from the start that they didn’t know anything about hedgehogs. I agreed to let them try treatment even though they didn’t think it would work and they were flying blind. While we were going to a Walgreens to get her the pedialyte they recommended she died in my hands. I had prayed, prayed with all my heart for God to protect her and keep her alive. She still died. I screamed at Him with everything I had in my being. I know Him, I know that He can do anything if He wants to. I know that He can set a universe in motion and calm storms. He could have saved Mabel, easily. Nothing is beyond Him. Nothing. It’s not like I flood Him with silly endless prayers; I pray for things that are important. This was such a simple thing. Yet He let her die. I will always remember getting out of the car at home, walking around the house, getting a shovel, digging a hole, wrapping her in a piece of the material that my housecoat is made of, the housecoat that I’m wearing now, putting her in it and covering it up. Even more I will always remember the words that were raging through my mind. “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani”, Hebrew for ‘my God my God why have you forsaken me?’. I was through writing for Him, I was going to let my domain expire and be done with it. He let me down, He failed me. I’m writing this two days later, I’m still mad at Him but I realize two things now. First, that I can’t stop writing, its part of me. And second, that my understanding is flawed somewhere. I know what the Bible tells us and I believe it, without it all life is useless, The Word is the one thread of gold in a tapestry of black, one thread that holds it all together. The Word can’t fail me, if things don’t work like I think they should then the fault lies with me. I know that God is love, and that He loves his creation, a creation that Mabel was part of. My lack of understanding doesn’t invalidate His words. I’m still mad at Him, I know I shouldn’t be but I am. I thought I had all of my crying done but as I write this I find that I was wrong. I have to stay faithful to Him; He will stay faithful to me, even if I’m mad at Him. My being mad at Him doesn’t make me not a Christian, it just means I have some growing to do. I have to pray for understanding of this matter, I may get it, I might not. I might not know the answer until God explains it to me face to face at which time He might give me a new Mabel, a flawless, eternal one.
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